četrtek, 01. september 2005

Svetovalec

Sam sicer ne (rad) poslušam vicev, preberem pa kakšnega. Tu jih je nekaj na račun mojega poklica:

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Don't try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, "You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."

The chickens in a large hen house started to quarrel, wounded each other and many of them died every day. The upset farmer hurried to a consultant, and asked for a solution to his problem.
"Add baking-powder to the chickens' food," said the consultant, "it will calm them down."
After a week the farmer came back to the consultant and said: "My chickens continue to die. What shall I do?"
"Add strawberry juice to their drinking water, that will help for sure".
A week passed, and again the farmer came to the consultant: "My chickens are still quarrelling. Do you have some more advice?"
"I can give you more and more advice," answered the consultant. "The real question is whether you have more chickens."

The classified ad said, "Wanted: CEO needs a one armed consultant, with a social sciences degree and five years of experience."
The man who won the job asked, "I understand most of the qualifications you required, but why 'one armed'?"
The CEO answered, "I have had many consultants, and I am tired of hearing with each advice the phrase 'on the other hand'."

A priest, a rabbi and a consultant were traveling on an airplane. There was a crisis and it was clear that the plane was going to crash and they would all be killed. The priest began to pray and finger his rosary beads, the rabbi began to read the Torah and the consultant began to organize a committee on air traffic safety.

A man had a siamese cat that howled all night, every night. The sleepless man concluded that the cat has too much testosterone and took him to the vet to be castrated. To the great surprise of the man and all his neighbors, the cat continued howling.
"Why are you doing it now?" they asked the cat.
"Now I am a consultant."

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from your Consultant
1. You're right; we're billing way too much for this.
2. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".
3. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
4. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
5. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
6. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.
7. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
8. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
9. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
10. Everything looks okay to me. You really don't need me.

Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of turning problems into gold, your problems into their gold.

There was a glass of water on the table...
One man says, "It's half full". He is an optimist.
Second man says, "It's half empty". He is a pessimist.
Third man says, "It's twice too big". He is a management consultant.

A consultant is ...
· someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
· a man who knows 99 ways to make love, but doesn't know any women.
· someone who is called in at the last moment and paid enormous amounts of money to assign the blame.

Consulting Revisited
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less, until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of turning problems into gold, your problems into their gold.

You Might Be a Consultant if...
· you ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
· you decide to reorganize your family into a "team-based organization."
· you think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page paper with six other people you don't know.
· you believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."
· you explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
· you can explain the difference between "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people's arses," and you actually believe your explanation.
· you can spell "paradigm" and you actually know what a paradigm is.

How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Three. One to change the bulb and two to write the standards and tell him what he did wrong.
Five. One to change the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

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